mere existence

Let me survive tomorrow

I am taking 20 high school students to a college campus tomorrow. I am the only teacher going, and while I normally trust my kids to do the right thing and make good choices, the thought of them running free all over campus alone terrifies me. I really think this is karmic payback for the all the stupid stunts I pulled as a teenager. I know how much trouble a teenager can get into over the course of an afternoon because as much as I’d like to forget my high school memories, they are especially clear to me tonight. At this point, I am just hoping that I make it home safely tomorrow evening without anyone being arrested or impregnated. I hope they are better kids than I was at their age.

Thank you

A great friend cheered me up and kept me company last night. Thanks for always listening, hearing from you always makes my day. I needed you last night, and you were there for me, like you always are.

So lonely tonight

I hate my birthday

Every year it is the same. I wake up wanting someone in my family to call me and wish me happy birthday. Wishing that I still had a family who cares. This year it was the same, only my husband forgot my birthday as well. After not speaking to me after I came home from a girls night out, he acts like a selfish ass on my birthday. I felt like I spent the weekend defending our relationship to someone who thinks that he is too controlling and I come home to him acting exactly like a controlling ass. To make up for it, he took the rest of the day off work, when all I wanted was for him to go away and leave me alone. My birthday always sucks, but this was a new low. Next year, maybe even I will forget that it is my birthday and save myself the disappointment.

I hate the silent treatment. I would much rather you yell and scream than to pretend that I don’t exist, that you can’t see me sitting here. Tell me what a fuck up I am, the silence is killing me.

It’s been awhile

I haven’t posted in forever. In many ways things are better than when I first discovered tumblr last summer. Having a job that I love has helped my mental state. I have to get up everyday even if I don’t feel up to facing people. I don’t have the option of staying at home and hiding from the world. But at the same time it is so hard for me to truly believe that life gets better. I have many things to be grateful for over the past month, but I still worry that everything will fall apart and that nothing will be better. I am afraid that I will be right back in that dark place that I started this journey in. I am afraid to be hopeful because I know that I will be crushed when nothing changes for the better.

Insomnia sucks

So thankful that it is finally Christmas break. I am looking forward to sleeping in tomorrow. Maybe I’ll stay up late tonight watching movies and relaxing to celebrate.

Is apathy all that I am able to feel? Shouldn’t there be more to life than this?

Life

Is life something that happens to us while we passively sit on the sidelines, or is life something that we actively participate in? Most days I feel like I am just allowing life to go on around me, never really experiencing or contributing anything. I want life to be an active pursuit, but I don’t know how to make the change. 

Sleepless Night

Somehow, I got talked into letting my oldest son have a few friends spend the night for his birthday. With 3 twelve year old boys running around the house, I don’t think I will be sleeping tonight. But it is worth a sleepless night, because he is having a good time. I just hope I survive the night.